pages of a diary

May 20, 2009

"okay, so i'm finally writing again. this comes from reading too much fanfiction. it has got me feeling certain emotions and thinking - thinking alot more than i already do. jumbled thoughts swin around my mind and my heart, filled with too much emotions, just wants to burst.

i'm confused and i'm lost. i feel so alone in my world of friends and family. i've got my whole life ahead of me and yet i'm scared. scared of failing my parents - to have them say that my best is simply not (never) enough. scared of all the hard work and obstacles that i would have to face to get to where i need to be. i know i'm strong enough but i'm still afraid that i could be proven wrong that shows i'm not strong enough - and maybe never was.

i feel a little empty - like something's missing - like a jigsaw puzzle that's missing one piece - like i'm just not whole or complete. it's something that just doesn't feel right, like something doesn't fit.

my heart's searching.. my mind's screaming..

maybe, just maybe, this is all too much for my little heart to handle."

runaway from here

last weekend was just so much fun. the getaway from civilization was just what i needed for a fresh start. for two days i was disconnected from almost all technology. i felt i was detached from everything i held so tightly in the past. on the edge of the cliff, i just wanted to scream and shout and let everything out. i wanted to run wild and free. i wanted to scream everything out and say whatever i want to say. and all i have to do is leave it behind in wales.

to be honest, the whole thing of moving on is hard and easy in a way. it's easy because i've been busy. all of a sudden, i find myself having lots of things to do and places i have to go to and things to celebrate. it's very rare that i be alone to my thoughts which scare me. it's hard because it hurts. at times, i just want to cry but i have to stop myself. sometimes i don't actually have the tears to shed.

plus there are dreams that i don't want to remember or even think about. the kind of dreams where it shows what exactly you want to happen or what you have been constantly thinking about lately. i had this dream last night. and it scared me. they say dreams could come true while others say that opposite happens in real life. and i do hope the opposite happens.

we all go through different things in our life. and they are suppose to make us stronger. and most of all, they serve a purpose, a lesson to be learned. somehow i think about what is the purpose for all of this to happen. i just want to know.

is it something for me to put in mind?
it is some preparation for future endeavours?
is it even something that is suppose to be special to me for the rest of life?

i don't really know or understand. for now, i just want to move on and live my life without it.
there's no turning back. not now or ever.

finally.

yes, finally. i've been so busy all week that i haven't really been able to sit down in front of my laptop for long and actually write about stuff i have done and been thinking. and now i'm thinking it's been a week. a busy week for me here. and a quiet one about me from over there. time flies so fast and i'm ok with it. it still hurts sometimes and i'm sad. but it only lasts for a few minutes and no tears are shed.

life goes on. we are all now going through different things in our lives. some are happy. some are in love. some have things that bother them. some are sad. some are busy. some are lost. but we still all have each other. despite distance, time and everything else in between. i still have my friends. during the ups and downs in my life. even when agreed with my choices or not. even though i'm here. there would always be there for me. i know they got my back. which is why i'm so blessed to have them. and i'll be forever thankful.

thank you guys. you already know why.

i feel good.

today's turning out to be quite a good day despite me being a little sad in the morning. but now, i'm ok. i really am.

during math class, i feel i was in high school again. the topics we were doing was something i learned third year. so it was sort of boring. angles, quandrants, soh-cah-toa, cast. you know, stuff like that. stuff you wouldn't really need and use in the real world. but still have to learn it to finish school. and then graduate and work and forget all about this.

i was suprised when one of my friends gave chocolates to ease the pain and hurt and to recover. i was so touched by that. no one has ever given chocolates or anything before to ease the pain or just because break-ups happen. like in movies, you eat alot of ice cream and have tissues in hand with friends. yes, there were advices and comfort and hugs. but this was different, i never expected it at all. plus surprisingly, i'm handling this situation pretty well. better than i expected.