Tuesday, 23 September 2008
the answer... well being a friend always comes easy to me, but being a girl is a tinnie bit complicated.
complicated much? hmm, not really. i guess it's really simple. coz there's this picture. of a boy and a girl. and i'm just not in it.
what i've realised is that i couldn't hurt my friend by making her feel guilty for liking the same guy i like. also, the guy who is also my friend, likes her back. so you can say, that if this was a battle, i lost. and it hurts. but i'm not gonna tell my friend that, i will let her be happy without having to think twice because of my feelings.
i've been hurt before, and the ache i feel right now is nothing compared to the hurt i felt before. but still, just like any pain, it stings. but again, just like any wound, it would heal, over time. this, too, will pass. and hey, what doesn't kill only makes you stronger, right?
Friday, 19 September 2008
just 3 months back, i remember telling my mum i wanted to work for the summer. and now, my summer is over. and so is my work. in 3 short months, i've learned to understand, respect and care for the people i work with.
when my friends and i talk about work, mostly my friends complain and though sometimes i do too, i love my work. i love getting paid and being able to buy stuff and spend my money i work hard for. i love being busy and being useful. i love my hard work being acknowledged. i love having the responsibilities and respect other people give me. the phonecalls, not so much, but i was getting used to it anyway. most of all, i enjoy the company. i enjoy the interaction with other people. this leads me to realise i enjoy being sociable.
i learned alot about immigration, which has quite alot to do with my dad's line of work. i learned how to discipline myself and work hard, to organise twice as hard, when work gets quite demanding. i learned from my mistakes as well.
all in all, i work hard. though it is tiring, i enjoy working hard. you may call me a workaholic coz i know i am one. i have worked twelve days straight. i like the fact that i get to spend money i earn, to not have to depend on my parents for once. i love work, and i can't wait to get back when i get the chance. for now, as i start a new chapter in my life by going to university, i'm bring with me the experience of a part time job and one of my most memorable and busiest summers ever.
to the bison team: i miss working with all of you. hope to see you guys soon. xx
Wednesday, 10 September 2008
There are two choices: the first would be for me to let you know. And doing so, I'm risking a lot. I'm risking friendship. Never talking again? Not talking to me the same way? I don't think I can take that. OR, I let you know and I feel that there's a possibility that you won't reject me... just a feeling. I'm not confident about that one.
The second choice would be for me to never let you know. Doing so, I'll NEVER know how you'll react- that's my safe choice though. No risks. It would just be annoying if you were actually waiting for me to let you know. (Walang risk. Nakakainis lang kung hinihintay mo ako umamin diba?)
(got this from mia. i made nakaw na ha. pasenxa. hehe.)
Friday, 5 September 2008
"People don't tell you who you are, you tell them." - Serena van der Woodsen
Just like Serena, you're gorgeous, glamorous, and good at getting exactly what you want. You went a bit wild in your younger days, but lately, you've been acting a lot more mature. You're trying your best to live a scandal-free life, but that won't be as easy as it sounds.
If Gossip Girl blogged about you, she'd say:
Gossip girl here. There's a new face on the Upper East Side, and it's got us wondering -- Could S have a secret twin? Same sweet smile, same shady past... if our new friend has something to confess, Gossip Girl is here to listen. Whatever you're hiding, you might as well reveal it now, because the past has a way of coming back to haunt you. xoxo, Gossip Girl
32% of the people who took this quiz got the same evaluation.
Tuesday, 26 August 2008
Monday, 18 August 2008
Randy Pausch on Good Morning America, May 19, 2008
Randy Pausch died July 25th 2008 as a result of cancer spreading from his pancreas. He is a hero to me because he truly understood what it meant to be alive! With his fatal prognosis warning him he only had months to live, Randy inspired millions with his optimism about life. His family was lucky to have him. You touched a lot of lives on a truth that is just so very painful to face. It's good to see how others face the end of their lives so that we can do the same and put our lives into perspective.
Thank you Randy Pausch, for your short time on this planet you inspired us and left it better off than before you came to be.
Randy Pausch's; A Final Farewell
'Last Lecture' Prof Dies
Wednesday, 13 August 2008
At some point,
Everyone dreams of finding..
Someone whose name you call, or whisper.
And he's right there waiting.
Someone who hums a lullaby,
And holds you close, as you drift off.
Someone who seems to just glitter, in the Sunlight,
Whose eyes are often Topaz,
Someone who takes you to dinner,
And ignores the pretty waitress.
Someone who follows you,
Watches you always,
Secretly, Just to be sure..
You're always okay.
Yet has a good sense of humor.
Someone Ancient, Yet Young.
Who'll save your life, No matter what.
Who cries when you're injured.
Someone who cleans out even the deadliest wounds,
However impossibly hard it may be.
Someone to take you to your prom,
Despite your complaints,
Who teaches you to waltz,
As you stand on his feet.
Someone who just knows when it's time.
When forever really means forever.
And takes you away,
For years to come....
Thursday, 7 August 2008
Monday, 4 August 2008
Because i read Twilight, i have unrealistic expectations in men. HAHA!
that's how i like my men.. cold dead and sparkly ;)
cut pages 73-381 out of new moon. jacob can go DIE. hahaha!
Edward dazzles me ;)
07-19-08.. what am i suppose to read now? :(
i get distracted by shin..... oohh.. Edward :)
breaking dawn.. give me the damn book before i hurt someone!
mortality is so overrated... BITE ME :p
308.. the number of pages without edward :(
save gas. ride a vampire ;)
EDWARD CULLEN. sexier than you since 1901 ;)
YES I KNOW HE'S FICTIONAL. YOUR POINT?
twilight... its not the book. its the GUY! :p
oh shit.. i've fallen in love with a fictional sparkly vampire :p
every guy should sparkle like edward cullen ;)
damn it stephenie meyer! now i'll never find a boyfried!
Edward is the new Romeo ;)
EDWARD CULLEN. Raising the standards for future BOYFRIENDS ;)
Edward is my favorite color ;)
O.C.D. - obsessive CULLEN disorder :p
in my head.. edward is my boyfriend.. alice is my bestfriend and jacob wants me :p
Saturday, 2 August 2008
It hurts to fall in love with a friend. You keep on hiding your feelings, avoiding it as much as you can until you cry your heart out...all out of fear of losing a friend and a love you never had.
and my friends have said to let emotions take control. they said that it's bad to not let emotions flow. but it's easier said than done. no, actually it's quite easy to let emotions take control. but the consequences, the effects, the outcomes and the changes that happen, all which are unpredictable is the scary worrying bit. the uncertainty of the unknown, the future. the world is full of endless possibilities and lots of what-if's.
i've longed so much for this feeling. to like someone new. to get over my ex-boyfriend. and it has happened. but who would have realised that i would lose that guy to my best friend. and they are two of my closest friends. and though to them, their closeness, seems just like they're just really close and comfortable with each other.
as a friend, i'll be glad to join in.
but as a girl, i see something else. as a girl, i see something that they both don't see yet. they may laugh at the idea or deny their true feelings. but there is something. and though i don't show, though i say it's just okay, doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. and it hurts big time.
as a friend, i'd feel guilty for feeling this way. but in the end, i'm still just a girl. falling for a boy, who is one of her best friends, that maybe falling for his best friend, who is also her best friend.
complicated much? not really. i guess it's really simple. there's this picture. of a boy and a girl. and i'm just not in it.
so when one of my best friends is falling for the guy i like, who is also my best friend; which one should i be, a friend or a girl?
Monday, 28 July 2008
Serena van der Woodsen: KC Concepcion
Dan Humphry: John Loyd Cruz
Blair Waldorf: Anne Curtis
Nate Archibald: Sam Milby
Chuck Bass: Luis Manzano or Jake Cuenca
Jenny Humphry: Angelika Panganiban or Shaina Magdayao
Vanessa Abrams: Toni Gonzaga
Rufus Humphry: Richard Gomez
Lily van der Woodsen: Lucy Torres-Gomez
Alam mong mahal mo ko,
ekis o ekis o
gassip gerl aka chismosang babae
all borrowed from friend's multiply sites. :)
no way. no way. no way. no effin' way. no what-if's as well.
ok...this has gotta be just rumors. because "ekis o ekis o" will never work. puh-leeez.
let gossip girl stay the way it is.
Saturday, 26 July 2008
1. Compulsive physiological and psychological need for a habit-forming substance: a drug used in the treatment of heroin addiction.
2. The condition of being habitually or compulsively occupied with or or involved in something.
"Rent is a 2005 film adaptation of the Broadway musical of the same name. It details the struggles of a group of young friends in the East Village area of New York City in the late-1980s, early-1990s. The film, directed by Chris Columbus, had six of the original Broadway cast members reprising their roles."
EDWARD CULLEN (Robert Pattison)
"Edward Cullen (born Edward Anthony Masen) is a fictional character in Stephenie Meyer's Twilight series. He is currently featured in the books Twilight, New Moon and Eclipse. He will also appear in the upcoming books, also by Stephenie Meyer, Breaking Dawn and Midnight Sun, the latter of which will be from Edward's point of view. The development of the Edward Cullen character was influenced by Gilbert Blythe, Fitzwilliam Darcy, and Edward Rochester– particularly the latter, who, like Edward Cullen, sees himself as a "monster"."
Friday, 25 July 2008
do you know how it feels when you realise your friends don't really listen to you? imagine trying to convince your friends to watch a movie you'd love to watch and even when the movie comes out, you're still trying to convince them, only to find out your friends have watched it together. without you. and now instead somehow they're discouraging you to watch because it's crap. you just want to get mad, to get upset that they watched it without you. but you can't because they would find it such a lame and stupid reason to get upst about. but the most disappointing realisation here is that it seems no one hears me saying it and constantly talking about it. or maybe my friends don't take me seriously. the question here is do my friends actually listen to what i say or do they just hear me speaking..
i often wondered... i really wished.. you know.. what if it was me who went back home for the summer, for two months instead of my friend. what if it was me? would everyone go through all the trouble to spend more time with me before i leave? would my leaving be something they wished to not happen? or should i ask, would my absence be felt? would it affect them that i'm not around to spend each day with them? my question is would they miss me as much as they are missing my friend right now? i'd really like to know...maybe i figured that i may come back and find that everything would be different.
i know it's wrong to doubt my friends because they are great. but why do i feel so alone? that even if we're together as a group, i feel so lonely. thinking about it, i don't have that one person, that best friend i can call just my own.
there's just so much emotion my poor little heart can handle. i need to getaway, runaway, as far as i can. i need to go somewhere where i can think. i need a fresh start. maybe i just need a long sleep. and who knows....
for now, i'm still okay. but watch out though, one day, you may think i'm still okay. you see me smiling, as a teardrop starts to fall.. and i'm dying a little inside."
the lights go dim.
but bright as light, you see a teardrop reach the floor. and two.. and..
Friday, 18 July 2008
the first syllable already belongs to the past.
When I pronounce the word Silence,
I destroy it.
When I pronounce the word Nothing,
I make something no non-being can hold.
By Wislawa Szymborska
Nobel Prize Winner in Literature 1996
Thursday, 17 July 2008
Tuesday, 15 July 2008
exams. my finals. yes, i have been studying for it. i tried my best and hopefully get the grades that i need. please please please. i try to always go to college to study. this is because when i am at home, i usually end up online. and not really doing much revision.
other stuff also came up during may and june. well there was envision and the pledges. it involved alot of planning and getting things ready for it. most of my friends were busy with their exams and other stuff that i had to do most of it. although i did have some help.
there was also a friend of mine leaving to go back home for the summer. we had to celebrate her 18th birthday in advance and i had to do a little of the planning. well, more than a little. i ended up doing most of the planning the day before the surprise. and it was quite stressful. but everything went well. my friend was definitely surprised. but somehow you sometimes want to feel some gratitude and some recognition for all your hard work. i mean i know i do all this because i consider her one of my best friends. so a simple 'thank you' or 'good job' would make everything so worth it. because you don't want to feel like you're just being taken for granted. i love my friends and i would do anything for them. i just hope they realise that.
i also got to travel. we went to wales for one weekend because of a philippine independence day celebration. and that felt good to go out of town and just relax. i just finished my exams around that time. and going to wales meant that it was indeed vacation time. meaning summer! woohoo! i also got to go to one of my dream destinations which is PARIS! yes, you read it right, Paris, France. and like omg?! well i guess you can see how happy i was about it. until now. we went there for my sister's 18th birthday, just overnight for the weekend. and although alot of time was wasted for travel, it was still so nice to break-away from exams and just hang out with my family. i'm definitely going back there. we were also to go to ireland but my parents went without us instead because it was expensive. oh well.
i finally got work. yes, i am working for the summer, part time and i get paid. although i'm not sure when or how, it's still cool. i would get to learn new things and get paid for it. plus it's good experience to put on my cv.
one of the biggest disappointments i have this summer is that i don't get to go home to the philippines. yes, i'm staying in london for the summer. damn. i'm sure my friends back home are as disappointed as i am. i feel bad that they have so much happening now in their lives right now and i don't get to be a witness to any of it.
two weeks ago, we went to the airport to see my friend off. and when she was boarding in and she was waving goodbye, i didn't see a friend leaving. because i'm sure she's coming back. instead, i saw someone going back home to her country to be with friends and family she hasn't seen for two years. and i badly wished it was me. oh how i wanted it to be me. i so wanted to go back home. how i wish it was me who was going home to the philippines. maybe it was the only way i could find out how much i mattered to my friends. would they spend as much time with me like they did for my other friend who did go home? i want to know whether they would miss me as much. but i guess i will never know.
as you can realise, most of this entry contains my disappointments and the sentiments. there is only so much my poor little heart can carry and try to let go off or hope that it would fade. but to end on a bright note, it's just the beginning the july.. and my summer has yet to take out and turn out to be the best summer ever.
i still remember my promise to my best friend that we will make this year our year. and i guess that's what i'll just do.
Sunday, 13 July 2008
Glorious classic film musical. 1927: Don Lockwood and Lina Lamont are the darlings of the silent silver screen. Offscreen, Don, aided by his happy-go-lucky friend and piano accompanist, Cosmo Brown, has to dodge Lina's romantic overtures, especially when he falls for chorus girl Kathy Selden. With the advent of sound in motion pictures, it is decided to turn Don and Lina's new film into a "talkie" and a musical at that. The only problem is Lina's voice, which mere words cannot describe. Thus, Kathy is brought on to dub her speaking and singing voice in secret, and Don's on top of the world. But then Lina finds out...
i can just watch this movie over and over again. my sister can sing to all the songs in this movie. and secretly, so can i.
Lina Lamont is funny being so in over her head. and she definitely talks funny as well. Don Lockwood and Kelly Seldon are such a cute pair. Cosmo Brown is such a cute friend, make 'em laugh. they are amazing at tap dancing. they did a great tap duet. can u spell talent? wow.. i wish they made more movie musicals like this nowadays.
Singing in the Rain
Lina Lamont (in her high pitched funny voice..)
"Well, I can't make love to a bush!"
"What do they think I am? Dumb or something? Why, I make more money than - than - than Calvin Coolidge! Put together!"
"People"? I ain't "people." I am a - "a shimmering, glowing star in the cinema firmament."
"If we bring a little joy into your humdrum lives, it makes us feel as though our hard work ain't been in vain for nothin'. Bless you all."
"Short people have long faces, and long people have short faces. Big people have little humor, and little people have no humor at all."
"What's the first thing an actor learns? "The show must go on!' Come rain, come shine, come snow, come sleet, the show MUST go on!"
"Gee, I'm glad you turned up, we've been looking inside every cake in town"
"Well, we movie stars get the glory. I guess we have to take the little heartaches that go with it. People think we lead lives of glamour and romance, but we're really lonely - terribly lonely. "
"Moses supposes his toeses are roses,
but Moses supposes erroneously.
Moses he knowses his toeses aren't roses
as Moses supposes his toeses to be."
"Moses suposes his toeses are roses
But Moses supposes erroneously
A Rose is a rose
A Nose is a nose
A Toese is a toese
"Repeat after me - Tah, Tey, Tee, Toe, Too."...."Tah, Tey, Tye, Tow, Tyo"
Wednesday, 9 July 2008
the more i know you
the deeper i fall
i should stay away, distance myself
but then, you turn to be always there
you make me smile
you make me laugh
you make me feel good
about myself, life and right now
but i'm scared, really
why does this happen now
i've long waited for something like this
and it's you who just can't stay for long
now i don't want this
but it's too late to runaway now
if only i can switch off
everytime you're around
but i know i just can't
eventhough i wish i really could
to stop my heart from crying (or breaking)
knowing i'll just be a good friend to you
sometimes i want to distance myself
i'd convince myself to stay away
however whenever i see you
it's your smile that greets me
i just want you near
i want you to be sitting beside me.
you're with your friends
i can't stop but stare and smile.
i know i'm really crazy
i shouldn't be feeling this way
let me pretend, nothing has happened
i'd fake a smile as if everything's alright
i'll try and control myself, stop myself
before this feeling takes over me.
i want to pretend it's not there
i could act like it's not real
i'll just put things or feelings aside
i know i've done this before
but it never gets easier
maybe i'm just getting ahead of myself
maybe i'm really scared of getting hurt
maybe, just maybe
this was nothing but a dream
i always wanted to move on
from a past that was too painful
now i see something in you, about you
that gives me that strange feeling again
i never thought that it would be you
others would always joke
and i would just laugh along
but now, why does it hurt inside
you made me smile
it got me all inspired
but things changed overnight
somehow i was just so bothered
unsure of how or why i'm feeling this way
maybe because it seemed impossible
you and me can never happen
oh why can't everything just go back
to the ways things were before
maybe i'll just pretend this is nothing
maybe i'll convince myself this is scary
maybe i'll hide or runaway from you
maybe i can deny that this is true
or maybe i'll lie and fake a smile
when inside, my heart is being torn apart
yes, i'll fake a smile
and pretend i'm okay
when you smile at me
and sit right next to me
yes, i'll be okay.
i should be sleeping
instead i'm awake
i've been tossing and turning
but now it's too late
my alarm clock's about to sound
hears its countdown
tick tock tick tock
maybe i'll just turn it off
i've been thinking, i've been reading
which is probably why i just can't sleep
just let it flow
let it just take control
my mind, thinking
to pretend and lie
fake a smile or laugh
you're just gonna get hurt
which one's stronger?
which one should you listen to?
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
Katrina looks like a goddess of love.
3: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
5: Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google search:
Katrina goes green.
6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
Katrina loves theatre.
7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:
Katrina eats gulf coast.
8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
Katrina has a theory.
9: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:
Katrina wants more challenging roles.
10: Type in "[your name] knows" in Google search:
Katrina knows where she went wrong..
11: Type in "[your name] said" in Google search:
Katrina said mum mum nan nan dada.
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
ok, this is my entry for now, since i still have a lack of inspiration to write anything.. i still have my scribbles and doodles.. but that would be for some other time.. i decided to do "Anna" instead of "Anakat" since anakat is a rare name.. and most of the stuff that comes up in google is from my blogs.. maybe i'll do a "Katrina".. maybe tomorrow.. for now, i took the simple stuff about anna.. it doesn't say much.. but it means alot, it goes deep.. i'll explain later..
1: Type in "[your name] needs" in the Google search:
2: Type in "[your name] looks like" in Google search:
Anna, looks like your next!
3: Type in "[your name] does" in Google search:
Anna does Paris.
4: Type in "[your name] hates" in Google search:
Anna hates bananas.
5: Type in "[your name] goes" or "..has gone" in Google search:
Anna goes west.
6: Type in "[your name] loves" in Google search:
Anna loves her little Honda.
7: Type in "[your name] eats" in Google search:
Anna eats cornflakes with sugar.
8: Type in "[your name] has" in Google search:
Anna has gone.
9: Type in "[your name] wants" in Google search:
Anna wants to break free.
10: Type in "[your name] knows" in Google search
Anna knows how to make us laugh.
11: Type in "[your name] said" in Google search
Anna said she felt very grumpy and that she "must be worrying about something".
12: Type in "[your name] ended" in Google search
Anna ended up falling asleep on the floor in the loungeroom.
Sunday, 15 June 2008
to one of the most important (or should i say THE most important) man in my life. a big thank you. i'll always remember how special we are to you with the letter that i wrote when i was still young, still in your wallet.
By Joanna Fuchs
A little girl needs her daddy
To love her with manly charm,
To soothe her when she’s hurt,
And keep her safe from harm.
A girl needs her dad
To show her a man who’s good,
To help her make right choices,
As only a father could.
A woman needs her father
Just to be aware,
He’ll always be there for her
To sustain her and to care.
You’ve been all these things, Dad.
I hope that you can see
How much I treasure you;
You mean everything to me.
Happy Father's Day to fathers, grandfathers, father-to-be's, father figures.
Thursday, 29 May 2008
Although to the untrained eye you may seem like a plain dresser who avoids trends, you actually wear carefully designed accessories and clothes that emphasize your uniqueness. You value your freedom and have an artistic mind. You are neither aggressive nor timid, but you believe in yourself.
What your nightclothes reveal:
You're in need of love. You want to be taken care of and panic easily. You have a strong wish for security in your life.
What others see from your ties:
You are a caring people. You are romantic, witty, and easygoing. You compromise rather than confront, and love nature.
What others see from your belts:
If there's not a single belt in your wardrobe, you like freedom and are opposed to all kinds of rules. You are creative and very good at work that requires you to stretch your imagination. Your main downfall, however, is that you can be very moody.
What others see from your shoes:
You are a person who loves simplicity and is sincere and open. You are pleasant to be with, easygoing and always in a good mood. You neither want to control nor be under someone else's control. You don't care much about how you look, and know that it's what's inside someone's heart that's important.
What others see from your earrings:
You are a sweet and talkative person. You are sociable, energetic and interesting, and get easily bored by the same old things. You are always looking for adventure.
The last analysis:
You are probably a romantic and passionate person. You are sensitive and lonely when you aren't in love. You can be somewhat self-centered, but you are honest and sincere to others. You like to make a good impression of yourself and worry about what others think of you.
all this comes from one of those random blog quizzes that could be actually nice and sometimes surprising. only this because i lack inspiration and motivation to write anything or blog. maybe tomorrow...
Wednesday, 28 May 2008
You truly believe in friendship. You get along well with others, and those who are around you are happy to be with you, too. You love to be surrounded by friends and you'll do anything you can to help them without expecting anything in return. When your friends are smiling, you're as happy as you can be.
Sunday, 25 May 2008
this year's american idol is david cook! woohoo! i am so happy. this is the first time i am excited about any winner of american idol, since i started watching from season 3. when i first found out about it, i kinda screamed! (actually i really screamed!) and wanted to jump up and down. (ok, so i did do that too..) i was so happy that day, my friends would be my proof to that day where i was just laughing, smiling and my voice was just so high pitched, that it was so funny. i'm sure it was infectious. i'll be looking forward to buying his album soon. for now, i'll just be listening to billie jean, all i really is you, the time of my life, i'm alive, and of course, always be my baby.. (obviously that's not all..and david vs david is another topic..)
i want a secret garden, my secret garden. you know when sometimes you wanna be by yourself and reflect in your own home, you go hide in your toilet. because that's the only room in your house that you're definitely by yourself and no one would come in. i want my secret garden where i could do the same thing when i'm all alone in my toilet. come on, it's definitely prettier than any toilet.
long walks do me good. i just long walks. especially when you're in the mood to reminisce, look back, think, be sentimental, reflect and remember.. i like the walking by river thames especially. good thing we live near river thames, long walks do me good and the river thames, well water looks so relaxing and peaceful.
emotions. questions about emotions. the truth. the brain, the mind. the heart. control. friends, company. laugh, smile. inspire. hugs. comfort. tears. take risks. take chances. hurt. scared. good. doubt. uncertainty. thinking. feelings. him, her, me.
let the words come together. you pick which makes sense. go figure.
Wednesday, 7 May 2008
n. something scribbled
i can't help but scribble away since my mind is full of them, so i write it down on whatever paper i can find and i try to put them together in the best way possible. and so far, all i have is below. some of them are not finished. i will put the rest tomorrow. :)
with a heavy heart
i have trouble breathing
one, breathe in slowly
i close my eyes
two, breathe out
and then open
relax, i tell myself
everything will be okay.
it should so it will be.
what's happening to me
i seem to be losing it
something's gotta be wrong
i'm not myself anymore
i'm reckless and yet very careful
i'm in a hurry and yet there's still time
but then i've been wasting too much time
so i'm just chasing something
that left me behind
lost in a daydream
staring into nothingness
i look at him beside me
he's as lost as i am
can't help but smile
i just want to write
my mind is screaming
my thoughts are floating
time is passing by
i'm staring at the board
all i hear and see are numbers
but all i can think of are words
all meaningless unless put together
so i'm trying to make them rhyme
is there any given formula
in creating the perfect rhyme
is there any hidden recipe
in cooking up the perfect lines
we pour in a cup of emotion
fill in in with the right words
and sprinkle it with inspiration
let me just write
i have to let this all out
this may not make sense
let's just do this freestyle
my heart is beating fast
my head seems to be spinning
my hand is shaking
and i just feel like crying
i want to shout
i want to scream
i want to break free
let go of everything
there's no holding back
who cares who's watching
let them stare in disbelief
they don't need to understand
i stop to think
i need some rest
my mind is wondering
i could fall asleep
i want to run away
hide until all this is over
i don't have te strength to fight this
i'm even losing some faith
this can't really be happening
this is not really me
i know i'm stronger than this,
better than this
but i can't just see me right now
i'm afraid, i'm scared, i'm terrified
not sureof what to say, what to do
confused and drowning in my thoughts
someone pull me out of it, please
Friday, 2 May 2008
so where do i start?
hardwork. dedication. detachment. challenges. believe. busy. time. hope. change. different. focus. support. smile. trust. faith. love. friends. family. God. me.
words that could describe my almost non-existence to other people for two weeks. i choose to disconnect because i decided to focus on my studies. and hopefully it paid off. i even got sick because of all the stress and pressure and late nights. but i'm really grateful to everyone who stuck with me and supported me and pushed me a little to hold on and finish till the end. i'm also thankful for Superfriend, for i know He's always there for me, and i trust Him to be always there.
being smart doesn't mean that i can easily get the grades i want or simply get anything and anywhere i want. it doesn't mean that i get the easiest path or fastest path to where i want to be or what i can become. being smart sometimes means that i have to work harder, run a mile longer, walk faster and reach higher goals.
Thursday, 1 May 2008
"Whenever I get gloomy with the state of the world, I think about the arrivals gate at Heathrow Airport. General opinion's starting to make out that we live in a world of hatred and greed, but I don't see that. It seems to me that love is everywhere. Often it's not particularly dignified or newsworthy, but it's always there - fathers and sons, mothers and daughters, husbands and wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, old friends. When the planes hit the Twin Towers, as far as I know none of the phone calls from the people on board were messages of hate or revenge - they were all messages of love. If you look for it, I've got a sneaky feeling you'll find that love actually is all around."
"You cannot leave everything to Fate, boy. She's got a lot to do. Sometimes you must give her a hand."
"Johnathan Trager, prominent television producer for ESPN, died last night from complications of losing his soul mate and his fiancee. He was 35 years old. Soft-spoken and obsessive, Trager never looked the part of a hopeless romantic. But, in the final days of his life, he revealed an unknown side of his psyche. This hidden quasi-Jungian persona surfaced during the Agatha Christie-like pursuit of his long reputed soul mate, a woman whom he only spent a few precious hours with. Sadly, the protracted search ended late Saturday night in complete and utter failure. Yet even in certain defeat, the courageous Trager secretly clung to the belief that life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. Uh-uh. But rather, its a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan. Asked about the loss of his dear friend, Dean Kansky, the Pulitzer Prize-winning author and executive editor of the New York Times, described Jonathan as a changed man in the last days of his life. "Things were clearer for him," Kansky noted. Ultimately Johnathan concluded that if we are to live life in harmony with the universe, we must all possess a powerful faith in what the ancients used to call "fatum", what we currently refer to as destiny."
"I believe we write our own stories. And each time we think we know the end - we don't. Perhaps luck exists somewhere between the world of planning, the world of chance, and in peace that comes from knowing that you just can't know it all. You know, life's funny that way. Once you let go of the wheel, you might end up right where you belong."
"Summer romances end for all kinds of reason. But, when all is said and done, they have one thing in common - they are shooting stars, a spectacular moment of light in the heavens, a fleeting glimpse of eternity and in a flash they are gone."
"Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void."
"Winning that ticket, Rose, was the best thing that ever happened to me... it brought me to you. And I'm thankful for that, Rose. I'm thankful. You must do me this honor, Rose. Promise me you'll survive. That you won't give up, no matter what happens, no matter how hopeless. Promise me now, Rose, and never let go of that promise."
"If there's any kind of magic in this world, it must be in the attempt of understanding someone, sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed, but...who cares, really? The answer must be in the attempt."
"Dear Annette, I don't know what I could possibly say that would rectify the harm I've caused you. The truth of the matter is that being with you was the only time I have ever been happy. My whole life has been a joke. I prided myself on taking joy in others' misery. Well, it finally backfired. I succeed in hurting the first person I ever loved. Enclosed is my most prized possession. My journal. For a long time I considered it my trophy. A sordid collection of my conquests. If you really want to know the truth than please read it. No more lies. Please give me another chance. I'm a wreck without you."
"Michael...I've loved you for nine years, I've just been too arrogant and scared to realize it, and... well, now I'm just scared. So, I realize this comes at a very inopportune time but I really have this gigantic favor to ask of you. Choose me. Marry me. Let me make you happy. Oh, that sounds like three favors, doesn't it?"
"The whole purpose of places like Starbucks is for people with no decision-making ability whatsoever to make six decisions just to buy one cup of coffee. Short, tall, light, dark, caf, decaf, low-fat, non-fat, etc. So people who don't know what the hell they're doing or who on earth they are can, for only $2.95, get not just a cup of coffee but an absolutely defining sense of self: Tall. Decaf. Cappuccino. "
"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul; that makes us reach for more, that plants the fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. That's what I hope to give you forever."
Saturday, 19 April 2008
"my heart is beating.." it always has been. it never stopped. yes, my heart has been broken before but that's no longer the issue. i'm happy where i am right now. even though there are occasional bumps, (sorry i'm not sure how to word it. but it's the best i can think of.) i'm really happy. i smile alot and enjoy a big laugh. inspiration comes and goes. and the times i do get a heavy heart, i know i've got a lot to smile for. (my partner is my favorite smile.Ü)
"and the winning number is..." isn't the raffle boring when you didn't buy any ticket? haha. think about it. buying raffle tickets is very much like buying lottery tickets. what are the chances that your ticket number gets picked? but it really is also exciting to find out whether you won something, anything at all.
"how's the weather today?" they say that the british usually talk about the weather. and i agree. i talk about the weather because i hate it. ok, hate is a strong word. but i just really don't like it. it's just so so so unpredictable. even the weatherman can be misleading. it could be raining really hard in the morning and very sunny and hot in the afternoon. the weather in london changes almost like a switch: on for rain and then off for sun. i mean where in the world can you find it snowing on the first day of springtime? (and sunny in winter?? really..)
"procrastination is.." bad. it is bad and very unhealthy. why? well, usually you end up cramming and rushing things, which therefore makes things more stressful. and now i gotta stop. i go back to school on monday. goodbye waking up at noon and sleeping early in the morning. focus on schoolwork and exams are now in shift. good luck to me.
Wednesday, 16 April 2008
anything you want.
everything you want
[l] do you have it? good.
now believe it can come true.
you never know when the next miracle is gonna come from
the next smile
the next wish come true.
[p] but if you believe that its right around the corner
and you open your heart and mind to the possibility of it
to the certainty of it
[b] you may just get the thing you're wishing for.
[n] the world is full of magic
you just have to believe in it.
so make your wish
do u have it?
now believe in it.
with all your heart.
disclaimer: the title of this entry comes from the latest episode of my beloved one tree hill. yes, episode 13 is now out. yehey for that. and the long quote above comes from it. it was the ending lines to it. i totally love that show. start watching if you don't. and watch how i met your mother as well. i was watching the whole season from the start yesterday and i love it. and yes, it was the tv show where britney spears had a cameo role. lastly, i'm excited for gossip girl as well. i'm also addicted to that show so i say watch it as well. or miss out. haha. you know you love me. :)
anyways, going back to quote, i'm saying it's pretty simple to know what the message is. i say to also believe in the power of dreams. i then say to believe in the power of prayer as well. trust God because when there's nothing else left, it always works.
Monday, 14 April 2008
the sunlight hidden behind the clouds
struggling so hard to show itself
it wants to break free
it wants to shine as bright as it can
then it does
you say there's no other day that's brighter than today
then maybe life can't get better than this
it's time to give back
open your heart to others
it's not just about you
there are people that need more
empty up your pockets
who cares if you end up broke
if it's simply for a good cause
the show's over
the curtain's closing
your time's up
your turn's over
no more second chances
no looking back
just say goodbye now.
Tuesday, 8 April 2008
i'm not sure what it is
simple yet complex
whole yet broken
i look for answers
i try to find some meaning
i search, i ask, i question
and i pray.
Saturday, 5 April 2008
there's still hope that i can get into a course at university that would be really a good degree. (even if it's only a certificate really. hehe) there's still hope that maybe all the trouble and heartache i have to go through for my future would really pay off.
there' still hope that i do get to go home to the Philippines this year. everytime my parents talk about one month in July, it gives hope that they would really let me stay a month. i want to. i need to. fingers crossed.
there's still hope - lots of it actually. there's hope that this year, 2008, is indeed my year. the year that hopefully all my dreams come true. and even if they don't, i know i would have tried. right, besh?
there's still hope. and maybe just like love, it's actually all around. and believe that tomorrow's definitely gonna be better than today.
Tuesday, 25 March 2008
"I am nothing special; just a common man with common thoughts, and I've led a common life. There are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten. But in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who's ever lived: I've loved another with all my heart and soul; and to me, this has always been enough."
"Love is an ugly, terrible business practiced by fools. It'll trample your heart and leave you bleeding on the floor. And what does it really get you in the end? Nothing but a few incredible memories that you can't ever shake. The truth is, there's gonna be other girls out there. I mean, I hope. But I'm never gonna get another first love. That one is always gonna be her."
"Mommy! My prince has finally found me!"
"Say you'll share with me one love, one lifetime. Lead me, save me from my solitude. Say you'll want me with you here beside you. Anywhere you go, let me go too. Christine, that's all I ask of..."
"Every year I would wish if that I was good enough you would come and find me."
"At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place. But believe us when we say there is much more good in it than bad. All you have to do is look hard enough. And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may in fact, be the first steps of a journey."
"If you love someone you say it, you say it right then, out loud. Otherwise the moment just passes you by."
"The rumba is the vertical expression of a horizontal wish. You have to hold her, like the skin on her thigh is your reason for living. Let her go, like your heart's being ripped from your chest. Throw her back, like you're going to have your way with her right here on the dance floor. And then finish, like she's ruined you for life."
"Sometimes, it's better for two people to break-up so they can grow. 'Cause it takes grown-ups to make a relationship work."
"I couldn't escape them. All the little things left unsaid, i was drowning in them. Suddenly, I knew what I had to do. Love isn't about ridiculous little words. Love is about grand gestures. Love is about airplanes pulling banners over stadiums, proposals on jumbo-trons, giant words in sky writing. Love is about going that extra mile even if it hurts, letting it all hang out there. Love is about finding courage inside of you that you didn't even know was there."
"I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it."
"…I might be the only one who appreciates how amazing you are in every single thing that you do, and…how you say what you mean, and how you almost always mean something that's all about being straight and good. I think most people miss that about you, and I watch them, wondering how they can watch you bring their food, and clear their tables and never get that they just met the greatest woman alive. And the fact that I get it makes me feel good, about me."
"I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle in your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."
"It was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were suppose to be together... and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home... only to no home I'd ever known... I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like... magic."
"Tell her that you love her. You've got nothing to lose, and you'll always regret it if you don't."
Sunday, 23 March 2008
tick tock tick tock. and now it's midnight. and it only means one thing.
year after year, on this same date, she would always looks back to realize what has happened and what has changed. and obviously, alot has definitely changed. back then, life was simplier. she was still in her hometown. now she is in a foreign land chasing her dreams. other people had to be left behind in order for this change in her life. there were things she had to put aside and sadly, he was one of them.
four years. amazingly it has been four years. who knew four years would pass by so fast? four years of caring for someone else. no ordinary friend but still not as important as a loved one. care is now the emotion that used to be love. yes, it's no longer love. she's sure of that. or atleast for now coz there's only one way to be sure.
one of the reasons she holds on to the memories so tight is because she believes that memories are the only things that don't change when everything does. and at this moment, she realizes how different she is as well, how she has changed, how she has matured, how she has grown up. no longer the little girl who would cry easily because of an overflow of her emotions. maybe it's about time too that she stop thinking about this every year.
she woke up with a strange feeling. maybe it's because she had a strange dream. she hasn't had a dream about him for the longest time now. she used to dream about him alot. she could see his face so clearly and his every touch felt so real to her. every rush of emotion was so real that if she actually said 'pinch me', she might wake up. but there's a huge difference, she can't really see his face. she knows it's him but his face has become such a blur. everytime she tries to remember the dream, she finds it hard to see his face. it's no longer the same anymore. she can't feel him. in fact, she doesn't feel anything knowing that he was near in her dream.
maybe the feelings are no longer there. with time, distance and space, it actually has disappeared. (or possibly just really weakened.) the feeling of wanting, of longing. the feeling of hurting and bitterness. the feeling of being in love and of love itself. to be honest, she feels like they have become nothing else but strangers.
when one lights a candle, what will be left is wax. when one burns paper, all that is left is ashes. but for the fire in her heart brought about by the emotion of love, what's left for her is the genuine feeling of care and concern. she has learned that it's not totally possible to forget someone who has been a significant part of her life. and to her, he'll always be migs. whether or not he has shown that part of him to someone else, she'll probably never know but still would like to thank him for the chance of meeting him. because of that, he'll always be migs to her. and she'll always be his agatha. she still cares and probably always will, eventhough she might choose not to show it. and for what it's worth, she'll always be thinking of him.
Friday, 21 March 2008
the one you love or the one who loves you?
* the one you love will keep you hoping but the one who loves you will offer you everything
* the one you love can give you a moment but the one who loves you can give you eternity
* the one you love can ease your pain yet the one who loves you can take the pain & own it instead, and
* the one you love could break your heart & the one who loves you will do anything to rebuild it..
Its up to you.
tell me what you think.
Monday, 17 March 2008
surprises are nice. they're suppose to make you happy. and sometimes there's also tears of joys. like surprise birthday parties, surprise guests, surprise gifts, etc. there could also be a surprising twist of events between people's lives. like falling for your best friend's girlfriend or falling for your best friend. there could be surprising connections or something called like six degrees of separation. i really like life's little surprises. they get me shocked and dazed. and also makes me smile and laugh at the thought. that's what happened recently and thus, this entry. who really knows what can happen? you just never know. i guess that's the beauty of life. tomorrow's always a mystery.
again, like i said, life can truly be full of surprises. and that's the kind of things that i would always look forward to. that's the kind of things i love. so keep your eyes open and enjoy the moment.
Friday, 14 March 2008
because when i was six, all that mattered was playing and having fun. ignorance and innocence about life was still there. it was the time you could play house with a boy without having to think the boy will still be there tomorrow to play house again. of course, you could easily find someone else to play house with and obviously there was no emotional attachment. it was the time you could sit alone at home having tea with all our stuff toys and not realize about how lonely you are or not think that you are such a loser playing only with toys. so what, you are still having fun, right? it was the time you could always depend on mommy or daddy to give you what you wanted. nothing was to be earned and all was just to be given to you. life was easy. just like what was said in high school musical, "Do you remember in kindergarten,how you'd meet a kid, and know nothing about them, then 10 seconds later you'd be playing like you were best friends, because you didn't have to be anyone but yourself?" simple.
but now, there are more things that matter: school, work, family, friends, relationships, even money. ignorance and innocence are slowly losing their meanings. boys are no longer just playmates. you cry, you hurt, you look for them. emotions now get in the way. friendship is no longer easy to gain as well. there are words such as stereotypes or status quo in which you have to fit in or belong to. i'm at an age where sooner or later, i would be living out on my own. earning money to pay for everything - from living expenses to food. independence steps in and you are now the sole person in control of your life. no longer the simple, easy, carefree life you onced have. the price for growing up.
right now, i'm really busy with college work - all those presentations, projects and even upcoming exams. i try my very best to find time for myself - to relax and have fun. today, i had a wonderful time with my friends. today, i forget everything else. for moments, i would just go crazy and wild. it didn't matter to me if i was making a complete fool of myself but i knew i was in good company that wouldn't be thinking that way. i could dance and sing like a drunk idiot. i could pretend to be singing,with a serving spoon in the kitchen while cleaning up, to a song that i totally love but do not know all the lyrics except the chorus. i could have balloons fights with my friends as if we were at war and can't stop myself from not laughing out so loud. i could sing all this ridiculously cute and funny songs and know all the lyrics. i didn't have anything else on my mind except the fact that i was having so much fun.
i want more days like that. i want a day where i could just escape my everyday life and nothing else would matter but for me to have fun and be happy. i want my happy place. something that actually exist, not something that i close my eyes to see. i want a day where i don't pretend to be all grown up.
Tuesday, 11 March 2008
by the way, about the comic strip, i found it funny and cute. and there is actually two huge things you can learn from it.
"Who's knowledge did not go to college" is the catch phrase popularized by Ann Robinson, host of the game show "The Weakest Link".
disclaimer: i got this all from youtube. i was watching the news one day with my mom and this came on. i found it funny. but on another note, it's sad. to realize how much other people really understand about this. good or bad? i'd have to say, good and bad. but i like the saying, "moderate your greed." so true. haha.
Sunday, 9 March 2008
love hasn't always gone my way before
everytime i fall, i just get hurt even more
tears were always shed for someone who couldn't stay
so i put my heart aside and left love for some other day
maybe love isn't just for me
i gave up searching for something i couldn't see
i wanted something no one could give
everytime i was scared, i would just leave
i'm a hopeless romantic who believed in fairytales
but now i'm one of those who has given up on true love
no more daydreaming
no more wishing on stars
but one day all that changed
for i started believing again
thanks to that unforgettable summer
so yeah, uhm that's pretty much where my inspiration got lost or got cut. turns out the inspiration i had for this, sort of had a time limit. i just couldn't finish it. until now. but maybe, just maybe if i stare at it long enough, it would finish itself. if not, i'll just resort to taking a long walk and reflect. long walks do me good.
Thursday, 6 March 2008
results. yes, the dreaded day has arrived. our results for our january exams arrived today. and well, there are the good and the bad. there were shockers and the expected and the uhm, the okay grades. finding out the results was heart-stopping in a way that i didn't want to find out what they were and at the same time, i was so curious. today, i would just let everything sink in and then tomorrow i would something about it.
responsibility. i miss having alot of responsibilities to do at school. i miss being busy. and i miss being in charge. i like the feeling and you are able to do something to be proud of or something that is worth all that trouble. i like the satisfaction of a job well done.
chances. take chances and take risks and making the first step to change. my best friend and i keep telling each other that 2008 is our year, 2008 is the year we make all our dreams come true. and i wanna make it come true. i wanna fulfill this statement. i want to promise that to myself. but i don't want to get disappointed in the end. however for now, slowly and surely, i would take one step at a time. and take chances i have never done before.
so looks like almost everything is back to normal. no more procrastinating. no more time wasted. some days i still can't believe it's march already. and slowly, my life is starting to pick up. people around me and things are happening so fast that i feel i might get left behind. so i guess i better start running now.
Sunday, 2 March 2008
ok, so today is Mother's Day. i looked up its definition on the web and according to wikipedia, "Mother's Day is a day honouring mothers, celebrated on various days in many places around the world. Mothers often receive gifts on this day." for those who don't know, in the UK and Ireland, others' Day is also called Mothering Sunday and is usually held on the fourth week of lent which is exactly three weeks before Easter Sunday. in others countries, such like back home in the Phils., it is on the third sunday of may. others would say this is just another hallmark holiday but i don't see any harm or anything wrong in giving your mom a warm tight hug for Mother's Dday.
honestly, my mom and i are on okay terms. we aren't exactly close friends but we're good. although there are times when i just don't get her or understand. and vice versa. i can blame it on age gap. or blame it on responsibility. or blame it on who my mom is and what she can do. or simply blame it on difference of generations. despite all that, we try to make it work. with a little bit of patience and understanding. it's pretty much just like any other relationship that needs working on and making a little piece of effort. and besides, i think my mom is my strength and corny as this may sound, she is like the wind beneath my wings. i would always like to make her proud of me. besides, at the end of the day, she is still my mother. and i will forever be thankful for all that she has done for me and my sister.
Song for Mama - Boyz2Men
Mama - SpiceGirls
just a small piece of advice to people, when it comes to Mother's Day, cards and gifts become insignificant, once you decide to give your moms a big tight embrace and tell her "i love you and thank you." it doesn't matter how old you are or if you think it's corny. those moments are priceless.
to my mom, happy mother's day. thank you. i love you. now and always.
Friday, 29 February 2008
time flies by real fast. sooner or later, it would already be 2009. we usually need or ask for more time in our busy lives. sometimes though, others would even want time to stand still or actually stop for a moment because they just want to live in that moment forever. believe me, there are those times you wished time just stood still so certain things lasted longer or even forever.
obviously i'm writing this because it's february 29, the extra day in a leap year, which happens every 4 years. today is an extra day to either do something different (or nothing special really. all depends on you) and today was a good day for me. my friend sonia wanted to eat at pizza hut so we made an excuse to eat lunch out. and that was to celebrate february 29, just because it is and that we might not be able spend the next leap year day together. other than that, everything went well. and there was definitely lots of laughs and pictures and more food. a good day, definitely.
so back to my question. having this extra day of the year, what would i do? i could hang out with a friend i haven't seen or talked to in a while, chill and talk in starbucks or walk around london. i could have a spa day - a day where i go to the spa and relax my nerves from the busy schedule. i could just sleep, sleep the whole day because i lack/want/need sleep. i also could go about it like i do on any given day. anything is possible really. but one thing i'd most prefer is to be with friends or family and sharing a good laugh or a nice moment. i simply want more laughs.
i want everyday to be like this day, ending with a smile on my face.
Sunday, 24 February 2008
"Journeys" are special University Lectures in which Carnegie Mellon faculty members share their reflections on their journeys -- the everyday actions, decisions, challenges and joys that make a life.
ok, so as you realize, this lecture was from last year and i only stumbled accross this yesterday. it was posted in one of the groups i was in in multiply. and i was touched by what i saw and heard. he was a good speaker and got me hooked. he actually got me thinking what my childhood dreams were. and for sure, i did loads of them. from becoming a teacher to a lawyer to a diplomat to a vj, and well you can say, the list goes on.
i now i'm still quite young to think about the lecture of my lifetime or whatever words of wisdom to be the topic of my last speech. i 'm not sure of what i have accomplished or what i can really be proud of. i guess there are many things to be proud of my childhood and teenage years. soon enough, i would no longer be a teen and be responsible for more things about my own life. i know that i have to make my dreams come true, and they will. but i just can help but still feel scared of what can happen. i'm scared i may not be able to handle everything. all i want to do right now is be careful of each step i make so that i can look back with no regrets. fingers crossed for now.