20 lines. 20 people.

which one is for whom? you think you're one of the people i'm talking to? go figure.

1. you know i'll be waiting for you to come here after two years. or maybe next year. hehe

2. BIG hug!

3. some things are better left unsaid.

4. i SUPER miss you but are you still holding a grudge?

5. i love london more because of you.

6. i wanna hear you sing live.

7. when's the next event?

8. i never thought i would find friends like you here.

9. we are both one-of-a-kind, i love us!

10. i8u!

11. stay strong, stay in love, stay happy.

12. i will talk to you, SOON.

13. i'll see you in New York.

14. i miss hearing you sing with your guitar.

15. thanks for always having time for me.

16. hey you, i am not a snob, boo.

17. we're still friends despite misunderstandings, remember that.

18. get over him, not worth it.

19. we don't talk often, that's why i miss you so badly.

20. i don't say this often as i should, so here it is: many thanks for everything and i love you.

missing anonymous.

1 Missed Call

Anonymous
11:35 27-OCT-07


who are you anonymous? and why did you call? i'm hoping that was a call from someone in the phils. but then, i feel bad i didn't get to answer it. it's not like everyday i get a call from someone back home. as of now, there has been only two people who have called me. of course, only one provider of callcards. haha. looking back, it seems i still feel that i want to receive something from my friends back home. up to now, i'm looking forward to that day i receive a gift or a card from the phils. even just one card would make my birthday so complete. (yes, i AM making parinig and paawa. hahaha. ehem ehem..)

yep, my birthday is coming up. and i can't wait. so far, i've got a few plans that i really really hope everything will push through, most of which are firsts for me. i intend to make my birthday this year the best i've ever had. and i think i'm gonna need all the help i can get.


special mention to my closest friends who are fellow scorpions celebrating their birthdays as well, namely drea, glo ann and cass. i miss you girls so much! happy birthday to us! muwah!

my keys are in a safe place.

The Keys to Your Heart





You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was insecure and in constant need of reassurance.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as commitment. Love only works when both people are totally devoted.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

comments: hmm.. it's so true. loves it.

Past Life Analysis

Your past life diagnosis:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.You were born somewhere in the territory of modern West Australia around the year 900. Your profession was that of a monk (nun), bee-keeper or lone gunman.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your brief psychological profile in your past life:
Inquisitive, inventive, you liked to get to the very bottom of things and to rummage in books. Talent for drama, natural born actor.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation:
There is an invisible connection between the material and the spiritual world. Your lesson is to search, find and use this magical bridge.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Do you remember now?

thoughts for the week.

my thoughts..

.. on friendship.

this week has been filled with drama of relationships between people. we all have different ways on how we treat our friends. we don't really need lots of friends to feel loved. sometimes it only takes one true friend to help us through our bad times. it was so hard for me to look pinas because of all the friends i would be leaving behind. i didn't want to start all over again (although there was a part of my life i wanted to. dibah?) from being by myself and finding people i can trust my whole life with. and much to my surprise, i found myself a good bunch of people who i simply love being with. we are all different and i love it. but of course, they cannot replace those who have been with me through all the years of my high school life. i miss them dearly.

.. on diplomacy, politics, international relations and foreign service.

this is pretty much what my life is about right now. this is a big part of my life. i get a lot of chances to experience it all firsthand. dining with all those famous names in politics is sort of pressure. looking your best, being on my best behaviour. sosyalan to da max. hahahaha. i actually enjoy all the activities i do here. working, volunteering, dining out, lots of memorable moments. it also popped in my mind to take up something to do with foreign service. what if, just what if, i followed my dad's footsteps? i would enjoy traveling and living elsewhere. but i would hate to always have a new life and leave my old life behind. in the long run, i might have to give up the career or choose family. or maybe that wouldn't rely on me.

.. on change.

it is inevitable. we cannot stop it or do anything at all about it. we just got to accept it and adapt to it. change can be better or for worse. change can really be painful at times. time is just passing by so quickly. and we just have to keep up with it. or we'd end up getting lost and eventually left far behind.

.. on independence.

at my age, it's hard to believe my parents are still over protective. time and time again, my parents are strict when it comes to me going out with friends. sometimes it's frustrating to not be able to go places with my friends. i think i would need a chaperone or bodyguard or driver or something just to go. however, it still has its good side to it. pros and cons. hmm.. let me weight them first.

.. on my past.

one of the hardest thing to do is live the life you have built all behind. all my friends and memories. you find it so hard to detach from it. you don't want to go through the trouble of starting your life all over again. it's not that easy. but you just got to deal with it. no running away from it. you slowly learn to let go of things you can't control but keep all the memories and people that truly matter.

.. on my future.

the main thing that stresses me now is university applications. getting it done is important. mainly because the deadline is coming up. it's so hard to chase teachers to get their part done. to actually send the application before the post office go on strike again. nice timing people. writing the personal statement was the hardest thing to do in the application process. because you actually stop to access yourself, to think about what you want to do after graduating, or about what interests you now and your hobbies. it's actually hard to talk about yourself in the way that would interest people in accepting you for their university. it's almost like thinking of a way how to sell yourself to the uni. friends say that the course i chose isn't surprising. they pretty much knew i'd take that. other people just think i'm really nerdy, geeky or plain crazy to take it up. but then, i realized that the opportunities after graduating is gonna be huge, especially if i go into the best university there is. fingers crossed on that. but the thing is am i ready for the future? will i be able to handle? well, there's only one way to answer that. and i'm sure i'll be just fine.

Her Diary Notes:

she just couldn't sleep. something seemed to be bothering her. something she just couldn't put her finger on. so she sat by her study table and then she saw this little black book sticking out of her book shelf. it seemed familiar to her. so she pulled it out and opened it. she read a few lines and remembered what that book was. it was her personal diary. she read on.

" september 26, 2007: 12.53am

my mind is just flying away with thoughts and dreams. and now i can't stop writing. everything is just pouring out in words. and it all comes down to this. i miss you. i miss hearing you laugh when you try make a joke even if it's not funny. i miss watching you play and being able to cheer for you. i miss holding your hand to know i'm not alone. i miss you kissing my forehead to make me feel everything is alright. i miss feeling your tight embraces that make me feel so comforted and the feeling that you ain't gonna let me go. i miss you being the first thing that i think of when i wake in the morning and last thought before going to sleep at it. i miss being able to call you mina. but the TRUTH be TOLD is that i don't really miss you at all. not one bit. not anymore. why? because now, someone else can be the one i will miss. someone else would be fill in the space you left behind. that someone would be him. and he will wait. for the right time, the right place, the moment. where everything will make sense and nothing else would matter at all."

when she finished, a teardrop fell unto the diary and a few words were smudged. reading this brought tears to her eyes. and then she smiled. she remembered her reason for everyday. it was him. he did come. and for the first time, she never felt happier. and ever more certain.

blogstuff mode1

You are 67% Scorpio

How Scorpio Are You?

Guys Like That You're Sensitive



And not in that "cry at a drop of a hat" sort of way
You just get most guys - even if you're not trying to
Guys find it is easy to confide in you and tell you their secrets
No wonder you tend to get close quickly in relationships!

What Do Guys Like About You?

You Should Be A Cancer



What's good about you: you're incredibly kind, caring, and generous

What's bad about you: you can be too moody and impossible to understand

In love: you enjoy wining and dining the object of your affection

In friendship, you're: likely to depend on other friends for emotional support

Your ideal job: historian, marine biologist, or religious figure

Your sense of fashion: you dress to match your mood

You like to pig out on: classic home cooked meals, like mac and cheese

What Sign Should You Be?

Desiderata

by Max Ehrmann

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly, and listen to others,
even to the dull and ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be
greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career
however humble;
it is a real possession in the
changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind youto what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit
to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore, be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham,drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

those three words..

it has been two years. but she remembers it like yesterday. she was in her room just watching tv. it was close to midnight and she wasn't the least bit sleepy. yet. then her phone vibrated. her heart gave a leap. it was from someone she didn't expect but was still hopeful to hear from. her heart was now beating fast. she was nervous and scared. unsure whether to answer it or not. out of respect, she did.

there was a faint "hello" from the other end of the line. and he asked "how are you?". "fine," was all she could say and while fighting back the tears, she asked, "why did you call? what do you want?" nothing could have prepared her for what happened next. in the few seconds that passed, "i love you," he said. "i still love you."

and on that note, her tears fell non-stop. we always look forward to hear those three words from the person that means the most to us. but never in her life did those three words hurt her more than that moment. it stung her heart. why? why was he back? why is he doing this? why now? was he telling the truth? was he just lonely and needed someone in his life? was this real? why? why? she was staring blankly at the tv trying keep her mind off the situation while still holding her phone. her mind was somehow flying. she didn't know how to react. she realized she's been waiting to hear that again eversince they had a falling out. but why then, was it so damn painful? those tears weren't tears of joy or relief. those were tears of sadness, of pain and hurt, lots of it. it was like a stab in the heart. however, she was also wanting that. she had been waiting for that.

"stop crying. oh please, stop crying," came from the person at the other end. "see, i always seem to make you cry."
"well, can't you see i'm still hurting? i'm trying my best to move on and you come back to me and tell me these. what do you expect me to do?"
"uhm, well then, do you still love me? do you feel the same way still?"
"huh? i.. uhm, i don't know."
"i don't know is not a proper answer. it's a simple question. do you still have feelings for me? yes or no?"
"i...."
"well?"

she gave in to her feelings. she followed her heart despite being scared of getting hurt. and the rest, well is history to her. for now, it is just a bittersweet memory.

despite of that, she will never ever forget the feeling. the feeling of how those three words could ever hurt her in that way.

Anakat ____ you because you ____ this.

fill in the blanks, please. hehe. thanks so much in advance. (and oh please remember to be nice. haha.)

1. I ____ Anakat.
2. Anakat is ____.
3. My first impression of Anakat is _____.
4. If I were alone in a room with Anakat, I would _____.
5. I think Anakat should _____.
6. Anakat needs ______.
7. Anakat intensely loves ______.
8. I love ______ with Anakat.
9. I want to ______ Anakat.
10. Someday Anakat will ________.
11. Anakat reminds me of _______.
12. Without Anakat __________.
13. Classic moments with Anakat are ________.
14. Anakat can be __________.
15. Worst thing about Anakat is _________.
16. The Best thing about Anakat is _________.
17. I am ________ with Anakat.
18. One thing I wish for Anakat is ___________.
19. I hope Anakat finds _____________.
20. One lesson I hope Anakat learns is ___________.
21. Anakat will always be ___________ to me/in my life.

my fortune cookie for today.

no comment. haha.

just like that.

last saturday, i was in dudley for this family sportsfest of the filipino community there. we were there as guests because my dad was suppose to be there and give a speech. so there i was, just sitting pretty looking at the hall where the program was being held. saw the audience, in their different colors representing their teams. saw the sponsors, pic-uk and metrobank, busy. and then it hit me, like a sudden jolt of lightning. the idea was infront of me the whole time and i was blind to have not seen it. in fact, i must been too pre-occupied with other stuff to take me this long. i now know what to do for the work experience that i need to build up on. following on my work experience in pnb, i can work for metrobank. i could also work for phish or bpi or allied bank and well the list goes on. it's all perfect to go into the world of finance. argh, and now summer is almost over. damn, what a waste of my summer. well, not totally. good things have happened this summer. now let me think. well there's ireland. there's barrio fiestas, one after the other. there have roadtrips and get-togethers. of course, new found friends and other stuff (i'm not gonna say. haha). i have to build up now on my resume for i'm sure when i'm in university, it's gonna be toxic. especially with my course. well atleast now, i've got something else to look forward to.

deja vu or coincidence, what's the difference?

dé·jà vu (dā'zhä vū')

n.
1. Psychology. The illusion of having already experienced something actually being experienced for the first time.

2. a. An impression of having seen or experienced something before: Old-timers watched the stock-market crash with a distinct sense of déjà vu.
b. Dull familiarity; monotony: the déjà vu of the tabloid headlines.

co·in·ci·dence (kō-ĭn'sĭ-dəns, -dĕns')

n.
1. The state or fact of occupying the same relative position or area in space.

2. A sequence of events that although accidental seems to have been planned or arranged.

+++++

things always happen for a reason - such a cliche. but it is actually true. most of the time, we just don't know what that reasons are. you find yourself being in the same situation like before. you find things to have happened before but with a different set-up. funny how life presents with situations you can't quite understand. you aren't quite sure how to comprehend or react. you look at the similarities of the different situations and wonder. you say to yourself: 'huh? how funny. is there something here? or are you just thinking there is because you want there to be something here?' you then take a step back. look at the bigger picture. and rethink your next move. so is it deja vu or coincidence? you decide.

random stuff for today: i'm not sure if today should be a memorable day because of all that has happened. but i think i'm okay with what had happened. all of it. i'm okay. hahaha. // i'm so happy with my results. i have been complaining about it all week. my hands were literally shaking when i was opening the envelope. and i got the shock of my life. well, not really my life. but it sure was a shock. i was so happy i could faint. i could actually hug and kiss anyone there. i felt i could do anything today. haha. i just felt so happy. i haven't been that happen for a while now. thank God for it. prayers sure did help. thanks for all those who believe i could do it and all those who prayed. thanks so much!! wanna hug you all. weee.. // my celebration was cut short when i got a headache. it stopped my happiness for a while. so i had to rest for a while. // have i talked about the last book of the harry potter series? uhm well, i loved it. all questions finally get answered. i actually thought it was the best possible ending without being all corny. i highly recommend those who have stuck with harry to read this. but of course, i really don't think i need to say that twice, do i? // to my kuya migs, you were actually right. haha! thanks. we have to talk soon. // i need sleep. i need rest. is this it?

i miss the drama.

i miss the drama. i simply go along the days with usual stuff from scholl to parents to planning the next gettogether. and it's all great. but there are those days where i fing it boring or quite much routine. those days, i so miss the drama. the sudden outbreak, or the sudden jump of the heart or emotions. the feeling of confusion over wierd stuff and situations happening which is hard to understand. you get to feel almost all kinds of emotions at the same time. you cry, you smile, you laugh, you shed a tear. you sometimes actually feel so alive for you get to really feel your heart beating. but then i realize, without the drama, life is much more peaceful. there's no need to hurry any decisions. you just enjoy each day and take your time with the people around you. you get the time to think things throughly and make the right decisions. you get to be just happy.

yes, i miss the drama. but i think i am much better off without it.

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

-Pablo Neruda

ambivalence.

there are just so many things i want to say. so many feelings inside me that just wants to burst out. everything is just building inside of me. and it's getting heavy. some days i felt that it would just burst out of me. because the load i carry is getting to much to handle.

i just want to say everything that's inside of me. i want to do all that i want without stopping myself. all i want is to think about myself. i don't want to have to think about who could get hurt and what consequences my actions and words could have.

but still i choose remain shut. i choose not to act on impulse or longing. i choose to act as if nothing's bothering. i remain quiet and smile. because that's the best for everyone. even if i let it all out now. even if i just let it flow. even if i don't stop myself from feeling the way i want to feel. even if everything were not kept inside of me. nothing will change. people could get hurt. i would just feel more hurt. people who aren't concerned in the situatuions would get hurt.

sometimes i just want to break and cry and get everything over with. no more lies, no more pretending, no more holding back. i want to scream it out or just cry while trying to get the message out through my loud sobs. but then again, no more tears should be shed.

so i just close my eyes. put my hands together and pray. for a better tomorrow. for all questions to be answered. for me and all who matter to me. for He knows best.

random.

something's wrong with me. something has come over me that i just control. it has to be stopped or should i just let it flow.

i was in a major state of nostalgia the other day. i found super old pictures from way back when. and all sorts of memories came back to me. both good and bad. each picture had a little story to tell. all the memories almost brought tears to my eyes. just like what my bestfriend said, a lot of things have changed and all of us along with it.

exam results are coming out in less than two weeks. and i don't whether i should be excited or scared. oh help me, i just want this over with.

lately, i was given the chance to go home to the Philippines. but then again, it was also taken away from me. and i don't whether i was happy or sad about it. i was sad because i wanted to go home. i was happy because.. because.. oh, i don't know anymore.

ram-ball. i love watching basketball. i love cheering my friends on. like back in high school. i usually watched my friend's or classmate's games and cheered at the sidelines. now i cheer for my dad and his team. they're not really good but i'm not saying they can't score baskets. i enjoy simply watching and cheering. especially when my dad shoots his 3 points. it's such an amazing moment. time stands still. everyone's just standing still to see if the shot goes in. and of course, i love watching him play. and i'm not refering to my dad. hehehe.

i finally done some things i should done ages ago. but i just couldn't. and now, after so long, i have. i don't understand why it took so long. and why only now. someone slap me, pinch me, shake me, wake me. then hug.

friend, i8u. you made me sad for a moment for a few reasons. don't do that again ha. hahahaha!

4 days of DINNER+DRINKS+VERY LATE NIGHTS = SICK ME.

and this is what you call rest.

rant

v., rant·ed, rant·ing, rants.
v.intr.
To speak or write in an angry or violent manner; rave.

It is something that usually happens in blogs. People write stuff in their blogs. They rant. In this such blog entries, feelings - emotions are just being poured out. When a person feels the urge to let it all out, all the words just come out naturally. There is no more thinking for the right words to say or how the words are to come out or how you want the sentence to sound like. Usually words unsaid and unheard are put into blogs for everyone to read. Of course, details may sometimes not be given out as to who the whole message is for. People who read it, just have so-called gut feelings that it is about them or who it really is for or about.

They do this because it is their way of letting it all out. Simply outpouring. While others cry, pick a fight, get drunk, smoke or talk. There is nothing wrong with it. It's some kind of therapy. It's some kind of communication bridge to get points across. To let everything out in the open without fear of the way people concerned would react. Things may get better or worse. While things can also just remain the same. Certain things also just end and are forgetten.

One common topic people usually rant about are relationships. It's really painful when romantic relationships end. However we never stop to think about when friendships end. Right now, I couldn't afford to lose a friend, any friend in my life. For certain reasons, some of us may have drifted apart for obvious reasons. But it doesn't mean the friendship between us has ended. Dealing with a broken friendship can be alot more messy and a lot more painful. This is something I have realized recently. It may not have happened to me personally but I understand how it feels. For I almost lose mine way back when.

Oh my, this entry is different from the others. It just seems so - so formal. Don't know if that's the right word to describe it. But just look at it. Argh. I think i woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning. I'm just not myself and my feelings are just blank. Although my mind is just filled so many thoughts. Got nothing better to do than this. So just let me rant.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

Your Birthdate: November 16

Calm and understated, you struggle to express your love with words. Over time, your partner learns to recognize your passion by the actions you take. You're good at wooing someone slowly, without them even realizing it! Number of True Loves You'll Have: 5 Number of Times You'll Have Your Heart Broken: 1 You are most compatible with people born on the 7th, 16th, and 25th of the month.

What Does Your Birth Date Mean For Your Love Life?

reaction: hahahahaha! loved the number of times i'll have my heart broken and number of true loves. since it totally contradicts what has been said in the other entry on my birthday. hahahaha!

thoughts for today.

i thought summer is finally here. but when i woke up this morning, and looked out, i can hardly see the building at the other side. due to rain. pouring rain.

i thought the bad wierd dreams had stopped. but why do they keep coming back. it creeps me out. i don't want them anymore.

and lastly, i thought something's wrong with me today. what's happening to me? here i was watching a new couple together so sweet. and tears just started to fall. for no specific reason. they just did. after so long. and i couldn't stop it.

was it because i was happy for them?
did i miss that or somebody?
did i want that?
was i still sad?
did i want someone beside me now?

oh no, help.
can someone please tell me what is that all about?