those three words..

it has been two years. but she remembers it like yesterday. she was in her room just watching tv. it was close to midnight and she wasn't the least bit sleepy. yet. then her phone vibrated. her heart gave a leap. it was from someone she didn't expect but was still hopeful to hear from. her heart was now beating fast. she was nervous and scared. unsure whether to answer it or not. out of respect, she did.

there was a faint "hello" from the other end of the line. and he asked "how are you?". "fine," was all she could say and while fighting back the tears, she asked, "why did you call? what do you want?" nothing could have prepared her for what happened next. in the few seconds that passed, "i love you," he said. "i still love you."

and on that note, her tears fell non-stop. we always look forward to hear those three words from the person that means the most to us. but never in her life did those three words hurt her more than that moment. it stung her heart. why? why was he back? why is he doing this? why now? was he telling the truth? was he just lonely and needed someone in his life? was this real? why? why? she was staring blankly at the tv trying keep her mind off the situation while still holding her phone. her mind was somehow flying. she didn't know how to react. she realized she's been waiting to hear that again eversince they had a falling out. but why then, was it so damn painful? those tears weren't tears of joy or relief. those were tears of sadness, of pain and hurt, lots of it. it was like a stab in the heart. however, she was also wanting that. she had been waiting for that.

"stop crying. oh please, stop crying," came from the person at the other end. "see, i always seem to make you cry."
"well, can't you see i'm still hurting? i'm trying my best to move on and you come back to me and tell me these. what do you expect me to do?"
"uhm, well then, do you still love me? do you feel the same way still?"
"huh? i.. uhm, i don't know."
"i don't know is not a proper answer. it's a simple question. do you still have feelings for me? yes or no?"
"i...."
"well?"

she gave in to her feelings. she followed her heart despite being scared of getting hurt. and the rest, well is history to her. for now, it is just a bittersweet memory.

despite of that, she will never ever forget the feeling. the feeling of how those three words could ever hurt her in that way.

Anakat ____ you because you ____ this.

fill in the blanks, please. hehe. thanks so much in advance. (and oh please remember to be nice. haha.)

1. I ____ Anakat.
2. Anakat is ____.
3. My first impression of Anakat is _____.
4. If I were alone in a room with Anakat, I would _____.
5. I think Anakat should _____.
6. Anakat needs ______.
7. Anakat intensely loves ______.
8. I love ______ with Anakat.
9. I want to ______ Anakat.
10. Someday Anakat will ________.
11. Anakat reminds me of _______.
12. Without Anakat __________.
13. Classic moments with Anakat are ________.
14. Anakat can be __________.
15. Worst thing about Anakat is _________.
16. The Best thing about Anakat is _________.
17. I am ________ with Anakat.
18. One thing I wish for Anakat is ___________.
19. I hope Anakat finds _____________.
20. One lesson I hope Anakat learns is ___________.
21. Anakat will always be ___________ to me/in my life.

my fortune cookie for today.

no comment. haha.

just like that.

last saturday, i was in dudley for this family sportsfest of the filipino community there. we were there as guests because my dad was suppose to be there and give a speech. so there i was, just sitting pretty looking at the hall where the program was being held. saw the audience, in their different colors representing their teams. saw the sponsors, pic-uk and metrobank, busy. and then it hit me, like a sudden jolt of lightning. the idea was infront of me the whole time and i was blind to have not seen it. in fact, i must been too pre-occupied with other stuff to take me this long. i now know what to do for the work experience that i need to build up on. following on my work experience in pnb, i can work for metrobank. i could also work for phish or bpi or allied bank and well the list goes on. it's all perfect to go into the world of finance. argh, and now summer is almost over. damn, what a waste of my summer. well, not totally. good things have happened this summer. now let me think. well there's ireland. there's barrio fiestas, one after the other. there have roadtrips and get-togethers. of course, new found friends and other stuff (i'm not gonna say. haha). i have to build up now on my resume for i'm sure when i'm in university, it's gonna be toxic. especially with my course. well atleast now, i've got something else to look forward to.

deja vu or coincidence, what's the difference?

dé·jà vu (dā'zhä vū')

n.
1. Psychology. The illusion of having already experienced something actually being experienced for the first time.

2. a. An impression of having seen or experienced something before: Old-timers watched the stock-market crash with a distinct sense of déjà vu.
b. Dull familiarity; monotony: the déjà vu of the tabloid headlines.

co·in·ci·dence (kō-ĭn'sĭ-dəns, -dĕns')

n.
1. The state or fact of occupying the same relative position or area in space.

2. A sequence of events that although accidental seems to have been planned or arranged.

+++++

things always happen for a reason - such a cliche. but it is actually true. most of the time, we just don't know what that reasons are. you find yourself being in the same situation like before. you find things to have happened before but with a different set-up. funny how life presents with situations you can't quite understand. you aren't quite sure how to comprehend or react. you look at the similarities of the different situations and wonder. you say to yourself: 'huh? how funny. is there something here? or are you just thinking there is because you want there to be something here?' you then take a step back. look at the bigger picture. and rethink your next move. so is it deja vu or coincidence? you decide.

random stuff for today: i'm not sure if today should be a memorable day because of all that has happened. but i think i'm okay with what had happened. all of it. i'm okay. hahaha. // i'm so happy with my results. i have been complaining about it all week. my hands were literally shaking when i was opening the envelope. and i got the shock of my life. well, not really my life. but it sure was a shock. i was so happy i could faint. i could actually hug and kiss anyone there. i felt i could do anything today. haha. i just felt so happy. i haven't been that happen for a while now. thank God for it. prayers sure did help. thanks for all those who believe i could do it and all those who prayed. thanks so much!! wanna hug you all. weee.. // my celebration was cut short when i got a headache. it stopped my happiness for a while. so i had to rest for a while. // have i talked about the last book of the harry potter series? uhm well, i loved it. all questions finally get answered. i actually thought it was the best possible ending without being all corny. i highly recommend those who have stuck with harry to read this. but of course, i really don't think i need to say that twice, do i? // to my kuya migs, you were actually right. haha! thanks. we have to talk soon. // i need sleep. i need rest. is this it?

i miss the drama.

i miss the drama. i simply go along the days with usual stuff from scholl to parents to planning the next gettogether. and it's all great. but there are those days where i fing it boring or quite much routine. those days, i so miss the drama. the sudden outbreak, or the sudden jump of the heart or emotions. the feeling of confusion over wierd stuff and situations happening which is hard to understand. you get to feel almost all kinds of emotions at the same time. you cry, you smile, you laugh, you shed a tear. you sometimes actually feel so alive for you get to really feel your heart beating. but then i realize, without the drama, life is much more peaceful. there's no need to hurry any decisions. you just enjoy each day and take your time with the people around you. you get the time to think things throughly and make the right decisions. you get to be just happy.

yes, i miss the drama. but i think i am much better off without it.

I Do Not Love You Except Because I Love You

I do not love you except because I love you;
I go from loving to not loving you,
From waiting to not waiting for you
My heart moves from cold to fire.

I love you only because it's you the one I love;
I hate you deeply, and hating you
Bend to you, and the measure of my changing love for you
Is that I do not see you but love you blindly.

Maybe January light will consume
My heart with its cruel
Ray, stealing my key to true calm.

In this part of the story I am the one who
Dies, the only one, and I will die of love because I love you,
Because I love you, Love, in fire and blood.

-Pablo Neruda

ambivalence.

there are just so many things i want to say. so many feelings inside me that just wants to burst out. everything is just building inside of me. and it's getting heavy. some days i felt that it would just burst out of me. because the load i carry is getting to much to handle.

i just want to say everything that's inside of me. i want to do all that i want without stopping myself. all i want is to think about myself. i don't want to have to think about who could get hurt and what consequences my actions and words could have.

but still i choose remain shut. i choose not to act on impulse or longing. i choose to act as if nothing's bothering. i remain quiet and smile. because that's the best for everyone. even if i let it all out now. even if i just let it flow. even if i don't stop myself from feeling the way i want to feel. even if everything were not kept inside of me. nothing will change. people could get hurt. i would just feel more hurt. people who aren't concerned in the situatuions would get hurt.

sometimes i just want to break and cry and get everything over with. no more lies, no more pretending, no more holding back. i want to scream it out or just cry while trying to get the message out through my loud sobs. but then again, no more tears should be shed.

so i just close my eyes. put my hands together and pray. for a better tomorrow. for all questions to be answered. for me and all who matter to me. for He knows best.

random.

something's wrong with me. something has come over me that i just control. it has to be stopped or should i just let it flow.

i was in a major state of nostalgia the other day. i found super old pictures from way back when. and all sorts of memories came back to me. both good and bad. each picture had a little story to tell. all the memories almost brought tears to my eyes. just like what my bestfriend said, a lot of things have changed and all of us along with it.

exam results are coming out in less than two weeks. and i don't whether i should be excited or scared. oh help me, i just want this over with.

lately, i was given the chance to go home to the Philippines. but then again, it was also taken away from me. and i don't whether i was happy or sad about it. i was sad because i wanted to go home. i was happy because.. because.. oh, i don't know anymore.

ram-ball. i love watching basketball. i love cheering my friends on. like back in high school. i usually watched my friend's or classmate's games and cheered at the sidelines. now i cheer for my dad and his team. they're not really good but i'm not saying they can't score baskets. i enjoy simply watching and cheering. especially when my dad shoots his 3 points. it's such an amazing moment. time stands still. everyone's just standing still to see if the shot goes in. and of course, i love watching him play. and i'm not refering to my dad. hehehe.

i finally done some things i should done ages ago. but i just couldn't. and now, after so long, i have. i don't understand why it took so long. and why only now. someone slap me, pinch me, shake me, wake me. then hug.

friend, i8u. you made me sad for a moment for a few reasons. don't do that again ha. hahahaha!

4 days of DINNER+DRINKS+VERY LATE NIGHTS = SICK ME.

and this is what you call rest.