pages of a diary

May 20, 2009

"okay, so i'm finally writing again. this comes from reading too much fanfiction. it has got me feeling certain emotions and thinking - thinking alot more than i already do. jumbled thoughts swin around my mind and my heart, filled with too much emotions, just wants to burst.

i'm confused and i'm lost. i feel so alone in my world of friends and family. i've got my whole life ahead of me and yet i'm scared. scared of failing my parents - to have them say that my best is simply not (never) enough. scared of all the hard work and obstacles that i would have to face to get to where i need to be. i know i'm strong enough but i'm still afraid that i could be proven wrong that shows i'm not strong enough - and maybe never was.

i feel a little empty - like something's missing - like a jigsaw puzzle that's missing one piece - like i'm just not whole or complete. it's something that just doesn't feel right, like something doesn't fit.

my heart's searching.. my mind's screaming..

maybe, just maybe, this is all too much for my little heart to handle."

on being a friend and a girl (part 2)

the question was... so when one of my best friends is falling for the guy i like, who is also my best friend; which one should i be, a friend or a girl?

the answer... well being a friend always comes easy to me, but being a girl is a tinnie bit complicated.

complicated much? hmm, not really. i guess it's really simple. coz there's this picture. of a boy and a girl. and i'm just not in it.

what i've realised is that i couldn't hurt my friend by making her feel guilty for liking the same guy i like. also, the guy who is also my friend, likes her back. so you can say, that if this was a battle, i lost. and it hurts. but i'm not gonna tell my friend that, i will let her be happy without having to think twice because of my feelings.

i've been hurt before, and the ache i feel right now is nothing compared to the hurt i felt before. but still, just like any pain, it stings. but again, just like any wound, it would heal, over time. this, too, will pass. and hey, what doesn't kill only makes you stronger, right?

i feel good.

today's turning out to be quite a good day despite me being a little sad in the morning. but now, i'm ok. i really am.

during math class, i feel i was in high school again. the topics we were doing was something i learned third year. so it was sort of boring. angles, quandrants, soh-cah-toa, cast. you know, stuff like that. stuff you wouldn't really need and use in the real world. but still have to learn it to finish school. and then graduate and work and forget all about this.

i was suprised when one of my friends gave chocolates to ease the pain and hurt and to recover. i was so touched by that. no one has ever given chocolates or anything before to ease the pain or just because break-ups happen. like in movies, you eat alot of ice cream and have tissues in hand with friends. yes, there were advices and comfort and hugs. but this was different, i never expected it at all. plus surprisingly, i'm handling this situation pretty well. better than i expected.